Every Tuesday “I am”.
It’s bringing forth the awareness that “I am” very infrequently.
I do. I rush. I hurry.
But “I am” less than I’d like to be.
Every Tuesday I lay on a physical therapist’s table and talk to my nervous system. You met me here last week when I talked about my hands and feet. It was nice to meet them, again.
I talk to the same nervous system that has held my body through a lot in the last two years.
I know you know.
I know your body knows.
It always knows.
I’m reminded that it always knows.
Today, it spoke more loudly than last week and that felt exciting! Like reconnecting with an old friend who feels safe and reassuring.
Today, it told me I need an unhurried place.
An unhurried place.
Like my studio? Somewhere else? Tell me nervous system, tell me — where is this unhurried place?
It is my studio.
It is nature.
It is lying with my dog or dancing with my child.
But really, the unhurried place is me.
I am the unhurried place.
Which, is why allowing myself to “be” is quickly moving it’s way to the top of my priority list.
“Am I here” right now? If the answer is no, I must wait.
The groceries can wait.
The writing can wait.
The mail can wait.
I am here right now. And that trumps all.
Spring shadows: Have you noticed the spring shadows? I call them spring shadows because I think they’re moody much like spring is. The sun is there but it’s tucked behind 20 degree weather and clouds (in the northeast), playing a sweet game of hide and seek. The shadows themselves are stark and take up space — making themselves known — but they retreat quickly. They’re curious and I like their mischievous nature.
Finding Water: Finding Water by Julia Cameron is a book that’s been tucking me in at night. It’s about the art of perseverance and the belief that as an artist (which I argue we all are), spirit talks through us. Our job is to show up, listen and create. Not to control or micromanage. But to trust and to keep doing what we feel called to do. I love it. And her. There are practical exercises to do for your artist heart and Julia just gets it. Some of my favorite quotes so far:
“I have become accustomed to the twin horseman of a writing career: the desire to write and the fear that this time, I will not be able to pull it off.”
“The flow of creativity is a constant. We are the ones who are fickle and fearful.”
“In other words, it is time to resign as the self-conscious author. It is time to let Something or Somebody write through me. How the ego hates this humbling proposition! And yet, great art is born of great humility.”
Bridgerton: Laid in fetal position last night, sitting up only to eat a homemade ice cream sandwich, while binge watching Bridgerton. Anyone else?
My body for never forgetting the way to security and how that feels; that feeling is the ultimate truth.
The choice to begin again.
How a haircut can feel like freedom.
APRIL 1ST: A MEDITATION AND JOURNAL PROMPTS
This Friday, April 1st, my first paid newsletter will go out containing a recorded meditation and journal prompts focused on presence. Being. I’ve walked so far away from it, coming home feels like medicine I’ve been scouring my cabinets for and coming up empty handed.
I can trust myself; does saying that out loud feel foreign for you? It did for me. It still does in moments. But I’m learning that language again and this Friday’s newsletter for paid subscribers will be a gentle guide on discovering what your internal unhurried place looks and feels.
It’s all inside. In a society that assures us the answer is anywhere else but within, trusting in yourself is a radical act.
I’ll see my paid subscribers Friday and everyone next Tuesday.
I love you,
Dev
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